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[Nov. 16th, 2008|04:50 pm] |
Prozac 20mg, day 1
Small Coffee
Apple
Salad, Bread, French Fries
Red Bull
Dinner
college is making me rip my hair out. and making my heart fall and my world fall apart. i found myself being so disillusioned by the life i would have at davis that i started looking further into santa cruz, then santa clara, and the lewis and clark. then its like jesus this is high school all over again. my leaving washington wasnt because iw anted to go to a better school, its because i was devistatingly depressed and dysfunctional. where can i function. i cant work here, i cant be with my family anymore. living here has turned from being a haven to a reminder of my faults every time i encounter my mom dad or sister. i feel like im not heping out enough or im not fit enough or on track enough or doing well enough. and they dont even say anything i just feel it. i feel it in myself.
but i am always running. what good is that? its apparent to me that idont have the patience for good thigns to come, i would rather settle for something mediocre right now. i dont not want to go to uo because its not a fabulous school, i dont want to go becasue i feel like it would be weird between meghan and i. and i dont want to wait for santa cruz. i could, i could go right after london but what would i major in? nothing that i really care about. literature? not so much. uo has a major that i want, but its also so expensive. i want out. i am so sad. i thought prozac was supposed to make you happy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|05:36 pm] |
i just want to scream at the top of my lungs or cry really really hard:
am i the only one with the future weighing on my shoulders like this?
the idea of taking one day at a tme is so hard for me to grasp that i can only do it 1/2 of the time.
im so sad and tired of doing it and fighting and living.
im
so
tired
and
so
sad. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|07:38 am] |
im an inbetweener.
once i was a goofy drunk over-excited social girl, but now when i do that it either seems artificial or spoiled. like its not appropriate for me to play that part anymore. another time i was a pensive artist-like thinker but now when i do that i feel like i know better. nothing comes of that. im not an artist. i dont go to art school and i dont create art. another time i was kind and considerate, but the advice i have been asked to give lately reflects my total lack of insight toward other people. insight for other people? into their lives. whatever. i also used to be cold hearted and aloof. look how that turned out.
ken makes to most subtle of implications that he would get back together with me (or just, get together with me) when he moves back to orinda. ken and i had a thing even before i was old enough to drive. how can someone like ken see congruity between himself in 2005 and himself now? how can he feel the same feelings? i am completely different. i am unknown to myself. |
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